What to do when others in your house don't want to declutter when you do...
What do I do about decluttering someone else's things?
This is a VERY common question that comes in my work as a declutter coach, and I've had to face it in my own marriage. I'll share four recommendations with you and my (very) personal story about this.
My story
When I moved in with my to-be husband, his 4 bedroom house was FULL of things: 3 dining room tables with full sets of chairs, an entire (gross) room for his 5 cats, at least 12 end tables, a broken dishwasher in the dining room, cat litter with mattresses against the wall in a spare bedroom, to name a few things...
I had a lot of soul searching to do, a lot of courage to dig up, a lot of patience to have with myself and him...
And I'm happy to say we're VERY happily married many years later, and we both absolutely love our home!
When I dug deep and asked myself the questions below, I found:.
When I feel the house is cluttered, especially the kitchen, I'm more anxious, tired and overwhelmed in all areas of my life.
I get irritated more easily, I don't want to cook or invite people over and my health suffers in many ways.
This, in turn, means I don't want to cook dinner for my husband, I'm not as fun and relaxed with him...
All this, in turn, means I don't feel sexy - and don't feel like having sex.
THIS is something he can get behind!
I told him it wasn't his fault, that this is my personal reaction, and that I was working on my thoughts about 'messiness' and clutter.
I talked about my upbringing by VERY tidy parents and a Dad who thought messes were a sign of major character flaws.
Now he knows I think it's super sexy when he declutters, cleans the kitchen, and helps out around the house.
He even organized a corner of the garage while I was on vacation, and was so excited to show me he made signs for me to check it out! (One said Thank You!)
It took him 5 years of feeling safe before he completely turned the inside over to me - and before he did so, we walked through as he pointed at the "must stay" furniture. (some of it has now gone - some things take time!)
I would get so nervous talking to him at first! Now we have fun inside jokes about that time...
Eight years after he still says to friends, "She put all my things in the garage when she moved in!"
But you know what? He LOVES what I've done with the house!
We can do hard things. Love, and you, are worth it.
How do we approach decluttering other people's things?
Our "stuff" is about SO much more than just the physical items, and each of us has a different connection to our things.
Decluttering is a beautiful opportunity to dig deep into ourselves and practice vulnerable, kind, honest communication with loved ones.
Decluttering is also a very common source of stress and frustration among families.
I've supported many couples and families through this conundrum - please reach out to me if you read this article and still struggle!
The quick answer is to focus on your own things first...
But I know from my own experience of having a husband who was just fiiiiine with 1000 things strewn around our house rooms all willy nilly, while I was definitely not...
Sometimes we need to declutter other people's things to save our sanity!
Here are the 4 things I recommend if you want to decluter someone else's things:
Dig deep into yourself
Have a clutter conversation
Help them feel safe
Pre-sort and set up a 'yard sale'
Dig deep into yourself
These are great questions to think seriously about even if you don't share your space with someone.
How does clutter affect you? These are NOT surface questions!
When spaces are cluttered, how do you feel? Anxious? Overwhelmed? Irritated? Sad? Bad about yourself? Stressed?
How do these feelings, thoughts and experiences affect you? In life, health, work, concentration, happiness?
How do your feelings and how they affect you affect the person or people whose things you want to declutter?
Dig deep and get specific!
How does this affect your desire to cook and eat healthy food?
How does this affect your sex life?
How does this affect your ability to be the person/partner/parent/etc you want to be?
Dig deep, then dig some more.
Have a clutter conversation
Gather up your courage and non-judgmental love, make a personal pact to speak from the heart...
Then talk with them about what you came up with in #1 - and invite them to talk about how clutter affects them, along with anything else around "stuff" that comes up.
(See below how this went with my husband. Spoiler alert - it involves sex talk!)
We never know what can happen when we get vulnerable and honest...
If you're concerned about how this will go, get support - reach out to me or talk to a therapist/coach first.
Help them feel safe
We all have different connections to our things. For various reasons, some people are VERY concerned about having things thrown or tucked away, and it's important to reassure them that their stuff is safe with you.
(More about this in my story below)
You can offer to support them, or see #4 for an idea to make it easier for them.
Is this always easy? Nope. It can take a saint's patience.
Is it worth it? If you have a healthy relationship, my experience is yes.
They may need time to think about it.
You may need to have more than one conversation.
You may need to compromise.
You may need support.
If they're ok with you decluttering but don't want to help, I recommend not arguing about it and finishing ALL of your own things first. Then share how you feel and have another conversation from the heart.
If you finish all your own items and they refuse to have you touch shared or their things, and it's affecting your health, peace of mind and/or relationship...
I recommend getting help. You can schedule a free Discovery Call with me or talk to a therapist who understands challenges around clutter and relationships. Better Help is a great online resource to find professional therapists.
Pre-sort and set up a 'yard sale'
I use this with my client's partners often and it can work like a dream!
The idea is to make it SUPER easy for them to see what they have - and be ready to manage what they don't want to keep.
If it's just a few things, you can set them out where they can see them.
If it's a lot of things, put things in categories on a long counter, table or bed, or on the floor.
Sometimes I put the categories in boxes or baskets and invite them to sit comfortably and sort.
Sometimes I stand and hold every item, asking, "do you want this?" and the other questions in my 6 Questions for Decluttering post.
Whatever it takes to get it done!
I keep trash, donation, recycling, donate and take elsewhere containers close by with open tops so things can be thrown in (see my Top 10 Tips for Decluttering Success).
I often start by holding things up for them to see, and eventually they get comfortable doing it on their own.
Sometimes this is easy as slicing pie. Sometimes it takes a few times of trying. Sometimes they just do NOT want to participate.
Often it starts out challenging and gets easier with patience, non-judgment, maybe some chocolate and a promise of a favorite meal. And it's important to honestly encourage and appreciate them every step of the way.
(Yes, this can be hard, but we can do hard things!)
If they do NOT want to participate, I recommend not arguing about it, but instead setting up a free Discovery Call with me ASAP.
I did this in my house with my husband's things as I decluttered, and I do it with clients when we're decluttering areas full of things and/or they're busy doing other things.
I've even done this while clients were at work - I texted photos to them and they texted back what they wanted to keep, toss and donate.
I've also taken my husband's things that I knew he wasn't using and put them in boxes, tucked them away, and came back to when I had the time and patience. This can be risky!
Please let me know if you have ideas about this or have experienced challenges like these - I'm always eager to learn.
Good luck, lead with love, and know I'm right here supporting you and cheering you on!
XO,
Spring
You can set up a free Discovery Call with me
E-mail me at SpringCourtright@TidyWild.com
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